gramophonemelomano:

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Ella Fitzgerald

A really great part of this segment is that it was based on something professional asshole bill maher said, I’m not particularly sure why he’s still relevant, but i mean he’s got cnn creating whole segments around things he says on his inane comedy show, so idk maybe he is actually irrelevant, another really great part is don lemon who’s you know, he’s just trying to be real, “reza be honest though,” —you got me don, I’m actually a liar, I don’t have hair underneath my hijab, true

We live in an age of some really great blow-job artists. Every era has it’s art form. The nineteenth century, I know, was tops for the novel. I just do what I can not to gag too much. I know boyfriends get really excited when they can touch the soft flesh at the back of your throat. At these times I just try to breath through my nose and not throw up on their cock. I did vomit a little the other day but I kept right on sucking. Aside from blow jobs though, I’m through with being the perfect girlfriend, just through with it. Then if he’s sore with me, let him dump my ass. That will just give him more time to be a genius.

One good thing about being a woman is we haven’t too many examples yet of what genius looks like. It could be me. There is no ideal model for how my mind should be. For the men, it’s pretty clear. That’s the reason you see them trying to talk themselves up all the time. I laugh when they won’t say what they mean so the academics will study them forever. I’m thinking of you Mark Z., and you, Christian B. You just keep on peddling your phony-baloney genius crap, while I’m up giving blow jobs in heaven.

sheila heti / how should a person be

a couple days ago a bro dismissed me because i said i like one direction, which, i mean, one should often tell bros she likes one direction because like, the comedy of it all, the comedy of it all. the comedy of it all in that bro, when you were 14 and living off a diet of mountain dew and working around a schedule built on masturbating, i was lounging in the music aisle of Borders, reading about kurt cobain before you even really knew who he was; that $80+ i got every weekend from the neighbors i’d conned into paying me $40 / hour for tutoring their children, i was spending all that money on music and i owned the beatles discography before you’d even listened to the white album, when you were 17 and now masturbating exclusively to led zeppelin, i’d graduated from classic rock and right into the smiths and animal collective, and maybe, probably i was doing it to impress dashing young men like yourself, who would eventually grow up into 28 year old’s who say to their bro friends things like ‘but she’s not like other girls bro, she listens to the smiths’ (!!!); in college, while you masturbated to james joyce and ernest hemingway and jonathan franzen, i spent a year writing only about jimi hendrix, one time i dealt only with putting jimi hendrix’s performance of the star spangled banner in dialgoue with t.s. ellot’s the wasteland, and i got an A and my male professor said i should publish, so i giggled and scurried away.
i don’t know how to tell you this, but i do everything better than you, i do your profound male genius better than you, i learned and mastered your game before i graduated high school, and while you were sleeping, i beat you at it, but you’re still here, you’re still here, you and your $65 beanie and your ratty ass copy of Infinite Jest, which, i don’t think you’ve actually read, but it’s such a great accessory, congratulations. 
what i mean to say with all this, in relation to giving blow jobs up in heaven, and like, genius, is, i mean, ladies, l a d i e s, we’re never gonna be geniuses’s, not like that bro who’s so much better than me because he doesn’t listen to a silly old boy band, our minds will never have an ideal for how they should be, our experiences will never be standardized, bc men are too busy being genius’s to let that happen, a movie with an all male cast is for everyone, a movie with an all female cast is only for girls.
so really, all i can do is, you know, i’ll just keep wearing crop tops and listening to pop songs whose chorus’s are oh oh oh oh oh oh oh and na na na na na na, i’ll keep growing my nails and sharpening them until they become claws, i’ll wear sequin bras and stuff all my money inside them so when, on a first date, he offers to pay, i’ll insist no no, i’ve got this, and i’ll reach right in and pull out $60, then when he leans in for that kiss later, i’ll give him my cheek, giggle, and scurry away,

Among other things, tonight I remembered that when I was 16 I wrote Hilary Duff fan fiction, like, stories based on Hilary Duff songs

babyajumma:

We’re in a br0 bar

Every time the bros got excited and yelled about The Sports, Elisabeth also yelled saaaaammmmmeeeeeee, which like, #same

threelisabeth:

we’re at a bar called “Harpoon Louie’s”

And it was in an alley

therumpus:

The Rumblr’s in-house astrologer, Madame Clairevoyant, presents her latest dispatch from the stars:

Pisces: If you start to forget who you are this week, if you start to forget how to live, try to see yourself through other people. Try to see yourself through the friends who believe in you most. Try to see the ways you glow and shine in other people’s eyes. There are so many ways to live and so many ways to see; spend your days with people who help you remember this. You can rebuild your confidence. You can relearn how to love your own self. You can remember the magic in your bones and the light in your heart.

Today’s image was made specially for Madame Clairevoyant by Jen May.

threelisabeth:

y’alllllll who’s starting a kickstarter so me and mariam and clare can move into this fucking palace apartment??????

Oh but it’s so grating when a boy thinks you like him,

this is only the third copy i have of this book, which i bought today and i’m bummed it has the  New York Times Book Review Notable Book of the Year sticker but it’s not even a sticker it’s actually printed on the book, like i bet if i hadn’t already read this book twice i would have put it down with a long, aggressive and exaggerated eye roll, but anyway. this is my book, and unfortunately i read it at a time when i was moving a lot and shedding books so i think my original copy is either in ohio or dubai or maybe in the detroit airport, but i think probably dubai. my ebook copy just wasn’t ok, so i went out and bought the book because i want to touch the pages where sheila talks about giving blow jobs up in heaven. 

i think it would be a bad idea to tag all my -how should a person be- posts with #blow jobs up in heaven, but i can’t think of a phrase that encapsulates the book better, maybe hashtag bad art

Things i will apologize for as a Muslim, and by apologize i mean shrug and pop bubble gum in your face,

1. That time in 5th grade when i sat so close to abdurrahman our thighs touched and i kept thinking about how much I like boys’ hands

2. That time i purposely broke my fast on an m&m when i was 8 and lied to my parents about it

3. That time i was at a party and there was only pepperoni pizza so i just peeled the pepperoni off and ate the slice even though my dad said i really shouldn’t do that

4. That time i was praying and realized halfway through that i never did the ritual washing before the prayer, which meant that my prayer wouldn’t count, but i kept praying anyway because i didn’t want to deal with the mosques’s bathrooms, such a hassle

5. That time i took the trash out without my scarf on and the cute catholic next door saw me and i smiled, to myself, not to him

6. That time i pretended i wasn’t Muslim because like, religion is soOo unfashionable these days

7. That time i lied to my parents about all the romance novels i was definitely not hiding in the bathroom

8. That time my intention to go to a Friday prayer was not for god but was for a super cute boy who i just stared at for three years until he went away to college

9. That time i said “I’m not gossiping, just observing” 

10. That time my hijab style was literally better than everything you’ve ever worn in your entire fucking life

threelisabeth:

yesterday at brunch (lol) i said to marrryoom that next time me and her and corbindewitt andbabyajumma hang out we need to have a serious discussion abt our sex and the city personas, because there are four of us and we are in a major metropolitan area and also because when we went to dinner last weekend we accidentally discussed something inappropriate way too loudly and received literally multiple scandalized looks. mariam was like “TRU, but actually probably we are all just Carries” and i was like “OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT.” what a nightmare

I am so obsessed with us